5-30-10 Marriage: One Plus One Equals Three

Movie Clip: Pay it forward 29:44 – 33:40

Last week we started a new series on marriage and we said that when we come into marriage with a great big I and we can’t help that because all we have is me, myself and I, and so we walk down the aisle saying to our selves, “I imagine it’s going to be this way and I hope it’s going to be this way, and I’m hoping and imagining that she’s going to be this way and our marriage is going to work this way and it’s going to function that way. We walk down the aisle with a big box of dreams, desires, and wishes and we say “I do”

In our box of dreams, wishes and desires, there’s ideas about how the money’s going to be made and how it’s going to be spent and how we’re going to make financial decisions. And we have dreams, wishes and desires about when we’re going to start a family and have our first kid in the first year, or the first five years, or, well, maybe there’s enough kids in the world all ready. Or we dream about what my wife will come to bed in, but she’s dreaming that it doesn’t really matter what she comes to bed in, because he’s going to love me for who I am.

There’s wishes hopes and desires like we’ll start in a small house, but then we’ll move into a bigger one before our kids are born, and you have ideas about what that house is going to look like and what color it will be and whether it will have a white picket fence or a barnyard full of animals, and you dream about what kind of car you’re going to drive and someday, she’s going to or he’s going to start their own business and work as this or as that.

I mean we all do this. It’s natural. We all come into marriage with a big box full of hopes, dreams, wishes, and desires and we take that big box of desires and we walk up to the alter and we say “I do”. Of course you do, because there’s only you at that point, but from that point on, it’s not about I, it’s about “We” and how do you make that work with two big I’s with two big boxes of desires hopes and dreams.

But here’s the deal and this is where we’re going. A Christian marriage is not a marriage where you throw Bible darts. Do you know what a bible dart is? A Bible dart is saying to your spouse, well the Bible says that you’re supposed to love me unconditionally – swisht! Ohhhhh. Well that’s nothing, the bible says that you’re supposed to submit! Ohhhhhh!

Christian marriage isn’t where you use the Bible to control the other person’s behavior. You know what that is? That’s just an I marriage with a cross hanging around it’s neck. That’s what that is. That’s not a Christian marriage. That’s an I marriage all over again where they’re using the Bible to convict and control the other person.

A Christian marriage answers this question, “What does my spouse owe me?” They owe me nothing. And if that scares you, I understand that. And if that bothers you, because you’re not sure how that works out practically, then I’m glad you’re here to hear it.  But that’s the answer to the question if you want to have a Christian marriage.

The only way to empty the expectation box is to make a decision to put it back there (desire box). They don’t owe me anything. Now, where did I get that?  It’s found in Ephesians chapter 5:21.

 By the way, this concept isn’t just here in Ephesians, it’s in Genesis and it’s throughout the bible. It’s not just one guys opinion, but it’s a Christian worldview that is throughout the Bible. And what we discover is this. The answer to the I marriage isn’t that I say, “OK” it’s not going to be an I marriage anymore, it’s going to be an “S” marriage for Shannon. I’m just going to replace Adam with Shannon. That’s not the answer.

The answer to the I marriage problem is that you invite a third party into your marriage, and they become front and center in the marriage and it changes everything. Let me read you these verses. The Apostle Paul gives an introductory statement to this discussion about marriage.. Here’s his statement.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

And the word “Submit” means that I’m going to make your dreams, wishes, and desires a priority over mine. When it comes down to my wishes, dreams and desires, I’m going to prioritize yours over mine. Now, here’s the kicker. You might think that he would say, submit to Shannon, Adam, out of reverence for her, and Shannon, you submit to Adam out of reverence for Adam.

But if you’re not a Christian and you’re trying to figure out marriage, that’s what you’re left to do. I’m just going to put you first and you’re going to have to put me first and maybe things will work out. But the apostle Paul says, no, no, no, that’s not what Christian marriage is.

Paul says, I want you to submit to, place yourself under your spouse out of reverence, you know what reverence is, reverence it “Whoa”. He says, I want you to submit yourselves out of reverence (whoa and awe – ewhhh!), I want you to submit yourselves to one another out of reverence, not for each other, but out of reverence for Christ. Christ, your savior, the one who came to this earth and who was willing to die for your sins. In light of what he has done for you, I want you to show reverence, respect, and submit to spouse.

This is a powerful, powerful concept, but let me tease it out for you a minute. It would be as if I had a conversation with God that went something like this. “God, I am so grateful all you’ve done for me. You forgave me all my sins. I used to be a jerk, but now I’m not quite so bad of a jerk. I’m getting better and things are changing. You changed my friends, and my habits and you’ve given me exactly what I don’t deserve. I mean you’ve loved way before I got my life straighten out. It’s not straight yet and you’re still giving to me and blessing me and changing me.

I mean you’ve given me exactly what I haven’t deserved and you haven’t given me what I do deserve with all the promises that I’ve broken to you and all the ways that I haven’t measured up to who you created me to be and so Lord, I just want to thank you for that.  Is there anything that I can do for you in order to show you my gratitude for all that you’ve done for me, for all the grace and mercy you’ve shown me? God says, “Are you serious?” I say, “Yeah, I’m serious!”

Then I want you to take all your passion and all your gratitude that you have on the inside toward me and I want you to shower that on your wife. “No, this is about me and you. You did something really great for me and I want to do something really great for you. And God says, “I heard you, and I want you to take all that passion, emotion, and gratitude and I want you to channel it right there on your spouse.

Is there anything else? I mean, can I just give 11 percent or go on a mission trip? Come on God, you mean to tell me that I can’t have a lousy marriage, but where you and I have something going on with you and you’re blessing me and I’m serving you. Do we have to bring my marriage into this? God says, “Yeah, we do! I want you to submit to her – that means to put all her hopes, dreams and desires ahead of yours, not because she has earned it or deserved it. Adam I want you to put her first because I put you first.

In other words, Adam, I want you to do for her what I am doing for you. And here’s the deal Adam, I want you to take this debt free relationship that we have – you know where I cancelled all you sin – cancelled all you debt, so you don’t owe me anything? Oh, yeah, God that’s really cool of you, I’m forever thankful for that one. That’s the best thing about being a Christian, because then I don’t have to earn my way and perform my way, I don’t have to pay you back because you’ve cancelled all the debt.

Yeah, God says, I want you to take that debt free thing that me and you have going on, I want you to pay that forward into your marriage. And just as I have declared that you don’t owe me anything. I want you to declare that your wife doesn’t own you anything.

I want you to submit to your wife out of reverence for me.

Then Paul gets specific. This is a tough verse here. Wives, Let’s get specific, wives this applies specifically to you. Wives, sssss, ssssssss, sssssssss submit to your husband’s because they are great! Submit to your husband because he’s earned it. Submit to your husband because he can be trusted with your submission. Submit to you husband because they will never take advantage of you submission. Submit to your husband, NO. He’s consistent here.

Wives submit to your husband’s as to the Lord.

Wives, now you and God are having a conversation. The Lord says, “you know how submitted you are to me?” Yes, God, I love you. It’s easy to submit to you, because you’re so good to me. You’ve forgiven me and you’ve changed me and you love me unconditionally, and Lord I know I have a long way to go, but thank you for being patient with me and loving me and forgiving me, I am so grateful. And God says to you, then take all that gratitude and focus it toward your husband.

“Lord, Have you been paying attention to our marriage? He” It’s not about him. It’s about you. I want you out of reverence for me, to love him like I love you.

This text has often times been misinterpreted and reason that I’m certain that it’s been misinterpreted is because it has not produced any fruit the way the church has previously lived this out. The divorce rate in the church is equal to the divorce rate in the world. That tells us that something is very wrong with the traditional way that the church has interpreted this verse.

 Often times this verse is translated as “Husbands, you are above your wife. Husband, you are a big “I” in your house and your wife is a little “I” in your house. In other words, wives, you are less than your husband. This is not scriptural! Go back to the first verse that we looked at. Who is supposed to submit to whom? Husbands and wives and everyone else are supposed to submit to each other. Everyone is supposed to submit to one another.

Then Paul goes on in verse 29.  Husbands, He’s very specific again. Husband’s, love your wives just as they deserve to be loved. No, here we go again.

Husband’s, love your wives just as Christ loved the church. In other words, guys, here’s what he’s saying. Love you wives like Christ loved you. And here it is in case we missed it; and gave herself up for her. Ephesians 5:25

Guys, this is not about how loveable she is. It’s not about what she’s earned or deserved. God says, “guys, I want you, out of reverence for Christ, take all your passion and gratitude and love for me and I want you to channel that towards your wife, and here’s specifically how I want you to do it. I want you to be willing to lay down your life for her, because I laid down my life for you.

You know what that means, men? It means that we need to learn to communicate to our wives, that we would be willing to lay down any part of our life for them, and in fact we would be willing to lay down all of our life for them.

Men, that we would be willing to lay down our stuff and our gadgets and our plans and our schedule and all our stuff, even our very jobs for her if it’s necessary; that you would love them more than anything else in the world. That’s God’s love, men. We have to make them feel that much of a priority.

Why? Because she deserved it? I don’t know if she deserved it or not. It’s not the issue. It’s because there was a time 2000 years ago when God decided that he would show us what love truly is and he showed it in the person of Jesus who, out of love, willing laid down his life so that we could experience ours.

And we say, how can we say thank you God and he says, go lay down your life for your husband or your wife, it’s the best way to show your gratitude to me. Wheeew!

I want you Adam, I want you men, I want you ladies, to take this debt free relationship that you have with me, and I want you to apply it to your marriage. Wow! Imagine what that would look like.

We say, whew, God, that’s asking a lot. And God say, “Yeah, as long as there are two big I’s in the room it’s asking a lot, but as a Cristian you don’t conduct your marriage in the shadow of two big I’s. as a Christian you conduct your marriage in the shadow of a cross. And if you want to say thank you to me, then you treat that man or that woman that you’re married to like I treated you, because that’s what I’m all about, because that’s what love is all about.

Read a set of traditional wedding vows as a way to prepare for this message (till death do us part).

Now, what I’m going to say is really important. Do you know why God has designed marriage to be like that? This is so incredible and I’m still trying to get my arms around this truth. Do you know why God designed marriage to be like that? It’s because he is so interested in you knowing how much he loves you, and so he wasn’t content to be big ole intangible God out there somewhere trying to give you a little ooey, gooey feeling every once in a while.

The other day I was driving down the road and I looked up and saw a cloud that looked like an angel and I new that he loved me (said in sarcasm). And during that song, I knew that God loved me when I got all emotional and a tear leaked out. And that one time . . . God wants your life and his presence in your life to be more tangible than that.

God says, I created marriage and theirs a mystery in marriage and it looks like this. God loves Shannon and he wants her to feel his physical, tangible love so much that he put me in her life as a channel and as an instrument of his love to her. The way that she’s going to best feel God’s love in her adult life is not through a worship song, or a verse she reads, or through some experience she has, but it’s supposed to happen through me.

And that as I learn to lay down my life for her, when she deserves it and when she doesn’t, because God has chosen me to be a reflection of his love in a physical, tangible, touchable way. That’s how much God loves her.

And he loves me so much that he says to me, “Adam, It’s not just about a song that you sing or a verse that you read, or about an experience you’ve had, I mean those are all fine, but I want you to know my physical, tangible, touchable way, that I put an actual person in your life and her responsibility is to reflect my love to you. That’s how much I love you! And that’s how much he loves everyone in this room.

I believe some of you are resisting this idea, but here’s the deal. Jesus came into this world, so that we could receive God’s love in a physical, tangible, touchable way, and when he was here he called people to himself and said, “Come follow me” Do as I do. Love as I love. and then he said, You will do even greater things than what you’ve seen me do because I am sending the Holy Spirit to teach you and instruct you in all my ways. And then he says and follower of mine has to be willing to lay down his life for me or they are not worthy of following me. And then he showed them how serious he was because then he went and laid down his life for the and for all who chose to love him.

Jesus laid down his life so that you could be forgiven of your sins, so the power of God, the power of his presence could fill you and empower you to live like Jesus and so that he, over time could help you begin to love like Jesus, so that you, over time, could begin to love so much that you would be willing to lay down you life in love for your wife or for your husband.

I don’t want you to love them the way they deserve to be loved. I want you to love them the way I love them. If you have gratitude and reverence for me, then pour that out on your spouse in undeserved, overflowing measure. You are my number on tool in demonstrating my love. That is a huge responsibility.

But before you go and get all freaked out I’d like you to turn it around. Wouldn’t you like to be the recipient of that kind of love?  Whew! That’s what I’m talking about! Yeah! Empty that box of expectations baby and get rid of Big I and decide that I don’t’ owe you anything and you’re just going to pour out the love of Jesus on me. That sounds good! I like it coming that way!

Imagine a marriage where it went both ways. That’s God’s ideal for marriage. That’s the target. And no matter what you’ve been through or are going through or have been through in a previous marriage or the kind of family you group up in, it will change your world.  I’m telling you this because I’ve seen it so many times before.

When a man and a woman decide to empty this (expectations), because it’s not about your big I or my big I, but instead it’s all about what God has done for me and about what God has done for you and it’s about his model of perfect love, it changes everything.

It’s no longer a contract. It’s no longer an I will if you will. It’s no longer about using your power to get your way. It’s not about that. It’s about God working through the Holy Spirit in you and in me to bring the tangible, physical love of God into our spouses lives. It’s all about Jesus’ love being made real in us. We were created in the image of a God who loves unconditionally and as we receive the love of God, the forgiveness of Jesus his Son, and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit, God uses us to make his love more and more realy to our husband or to our wife.

Ok, let’s review it this way. I can’t get focused on what Shannon desires, wishes, and wants as long as I’ve loaded her up with expectations. The only way to get focused on satisfying her dreams, wishes and desires and to love her unconditionally is to take my expectations off of her and put them back in this box.

And that means that I have to come to the conclusion that you don’t owe me anything, and the only way that she or I or you can maintain that perspective of you don’t owe me anything is to get focused on the one who first said to us, “You don’t owe me anything, because I’ve paid for all you sin, I’ve paid you debt, you’re in, you can’t get out, it’s forever.

Now, I want you to take that same perspective on life and relationship and apply it to your marriage.

Not in my message – For those who are skeptics

Now, I know the push back on this and I’m not naïve; I’ve heard the stories and I’m not trying to be insensitive. I mean I’ve cried with lot’s of people whose marriages are disintegrating or have disintegrated. People don’t call me up and say, “Hey, just checking in, my marriage is going great!” I don’t get those calls. I’m not asking for them. Pastors are like hospitals. They call when there is a need. I know. I’m not naïve. I know what the push back is.

Adam, that’s great. I’m really happy for you and Shannon, but, but, but, but you don’t know my husband. See, if I don’t keep him on kind of a tight leash, woahhhhhh! Adam, you don’t know my wife. She can’t handle $5. It can be bad!

Adam, you’re just saying that I’m supposed to just love them and let them do whatever  – come on! I gotta be honest with you. I’m afraid that if I drop the rope and empty the box that he might – you fill in the blank. I’m afraid that she might – fill in the blank. I’m concerned that she will. I’m concerned that he will revert back to.

Let me answer this way. Do you know what you call it when you try to control somebody’s behavior? Parenting! That’s the parenting model. That’s not the marriage model. If you get into this model, you will never , not ever, not ever experience unconditional love, because you can’t express it or recognize it in this kind of a relationship.