6-13-10 Marriage 4 – Stepped down but Lifted Up

Look at this amazing promise. Peter says, Humble yourselves that God may lift you up, and this is the part that we hate, in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

You see, due time for me is different from due time for God, because I heard the sermon on Sunday and I applied it on Monday and by Thursday there ought to be some activity in my marriage, right? I emptied my box by Monday and by Monday at 5:00 and we’re back over here (Desires box), and I say, “Ok God, why isn’t he or why isn’t she looking in my box and taking notice of my wishes, dreams and desires?”

Here’s the promise. In due time, God will intervene on your behalf. What does that look like? I don’t know because everybody’s circumstances and everybody’s issues are different and everybody’s personalities are different, and everybody’s baggage is different. But in due time, God will intervene on your behalf. And let me tell you, I’ve seen some men and women live in the due time for a long time. But at the end of their due time with their humility and faithfulness, they’ve seen God do some amazing, amazing things – in their life personally and in their marriage.

I’ve seen a woman who waited 30 some years for God to change her husband – faithfully casting all her wishes, dreams, desires and anxieties upon God and then at the end of 30 some years God opened her eyes and she realized she was half the problem. She had been thinking that he was the whole problem, but then God showed her how she had been acting, obviously without knowing it, but that she was a major part of why her husband had responded to her in ways that did not meet her wishes, dreams and desires.

In that due time, and it was a long time, God had to get her to the point where she was ready to change how she acted and reacted toward her husband. So in her prayers for her husband, because she faithfully humbled herself before God, he changed someone all right, but it wasn’t her husband. It was her, but in that change it blessed their marriage. In due time – God’s time.

People who humble themselves before God and who say to themselves even if, the due time, is a long time, I would rather spend due time waiting on God to do things right and experiencing his grace and experiencing his power to live in the moment for the moment, then I would to try and fix my husband or my wife by my own strength. Those people chose to live in God’s due time, because they would rather do that then to be a big capital I all by themselves trying to manipulate, control, punish, and coerce their husband or their wife to meet their expectations. 

We know that doesn’t work. And even though we know that doesn’t work, “due time” bothers us because it doesn’t work fast enough. But Peter says, “You know what? You humble yourself and place your wishes dreams and desires into God’s mighty hand, and in due time he will lift you up.

If you put God’s wishes, dreams, and desires ahead of your own and you say, “Lord, your will be done and your kingdom come, not mine”, then Peter says God will pick you up, and in the mean time God will give you the power and the ability to press on even if Big I doesn’t even notice your wishes, dreams, and desires.

Remember, a Christian marriage is one that says, “I will even if you won’t”. I will because I chose to love you as my spouse, not because you’ve earned it or deserved it, but because I choose to love you the same way that God loves me – unconditionally! And if I love you unconditionally then that means that I can’t put any conditions on loving you, because God didn’t put any conditions on loving me.

There are men and women who are listening to this message who could stand up and say, “I understand the power of the due time. I understand the grace of God in the due time. I understand how God works in due time. They could tell you that they’ve wrestled and controlled and manipulated their spouse and they’ve became frustrated and demoralized during that journey, and then they could tell you how, when they’ve waited on God and have seen the grace of God and his power and their connection with him during that due time grow, and that time was so much better than the struggle and the anxiety, and the frustration of being one Big I against another.

And then Peter, this is brilliant, this is so awesome, right here he gets so practical. In the mean time, while you’re waiting on God to make changes to your situation and to honor your humility in the due time, this is what Peter tells us to do.

Cast, that is throw, unload, back the truck up and dump it. I think that’s what he had in mind. Cast all your anxiety, all your cares, all your concerns, on God.

This is what Peter’s saying. He’s saying, “I realize that you still got a big box full of wishes dreams and desires – things that you wanted to see in your marriage, and I don’t want you to lose sight of these and I don’t want you to pretend that these aren’t there, and I don’t want you to get busy so that you’re distracted, so here’s what I want you to do.

I want you to come to me and say to me daily if necessary, in the moment if necessary, “God you know that in my heart, I just wanted my husband to provide for us”, or “God I just want my wife to respect me” or “God, I know this is kind of silly, but as a child I grew up in a big ole one of these and as a little girl I always wanted to live in a big ole one of these, and right now we’re not living in a big ole one of these, can I say that to you God?”

God says, “Is that your concern? Yeah. Then bring it on. And God, “You know, you know, you know, you know how bad we wanted . . . is that silly to bring that to you? And God says, “is that a desire of your heart?” Yeah! Then you bring it on.

Whatever is in your box, this is important, God says to you, “I don’t want you to edit it, I don’t want you to say, “This is really stupid, but . . .” God doesn’t need 14 paragraphs of disclaimer and qualifiers, he just needs you to share with him what’s in your heart. He already knows what’s in your heart, but by telling him, you’re giving it over to him and instead of ruling your own life, you’re allowing God to begin to take charge of your life. Instead of being a big ole arrogant I, who says I’m in control of my life and I don’t need you God, you’re giving God the reigns and saying, “Your will be done. I love you and I trust you with my wishes dreams and desires and I’m going to trust that in due time, you’ll do what I could never do.”

Whatever is causing you anxiety, God says, “Cast it upon me”. There should be no guilt, there should be no shame, there is no judgment, God says, “Cast all your cares, concerns, and anxiety upon me.” It may be silly it may be unrealistic, you may be embarrassed to talk about it out loud, but it’s causing you anxiety because you have a wish, a dream, or a desire, and God says to cast it all upon me.

It may look like your husband or your wife is never going to get interested, never going to meet that need, and God says, I don’t care what it is, I want you to cast all, and the meaning of “All” and  in the Greek it means “All”. I want you to cast ALL of your cares, concerns, and anxieties – if it’s in the box, I want you to dump it on me.

Then here’s the punch line, are you ready for this? See if you’re not a Christian, here’s reason to think about it right here. Are you ready? Listen to this:

Cast all your anxiety, all your cares, all your concerns, on God, because he cares  . . .for you.

Now don’t miss this. Literally in the original language, it says it this way: Because you are of concern to him.

Is this important to you? Yes Lord, it’s important to me. Well then it’s important to me. It is? Why would something like this be important to you God? Because you’re important . . . to me.

“You know, how that whole schedule thing is going, and she won’t cooperate, and that time thing, Woe, woe, woe, is it important to you? It is; it just frustrates me. Then it’s important to me too. Why would our schedule and our broken car, and the disagreements we have in parenting be important to you God? Because you’re important . . . to me.  Because you are of great concern to me, so I’m giving you permission – silly, unrealistic, trivial, it doesn’t matter. If it’s a point of anxiety and concern for you, then I want you to cast ALL your anxiety on me, because I care for you.

And when you cast all your anxiety upon me, do you know what you’re doing? You’re humbling yourself before me, and do you know what I’m going to give you? I’m going to give you the grace and the power and the ability to live in the due time, until he or she comes around and if they never come around, I’m going to give you the power to keep loving, and to keep walking, and to keep following hard after me.

But if you cast all your anxiety on Big I over there, it’s just going to be another battle, because you can fix him and you can’t change her, and therefore all you can do is to manipulate him or coerce her, but your love for one another will never grow as long as you cast all your anxiety upon Big I over there, because that’s heavy and oppressive and love doesn’t grow in that kind of environment. And that’s why I want you to cast all your cares upon me.

It’s because there’s one thing that you can know for certain. I care intensely about you, and there’s nothing off limits in your wishes, dreams and desires box that you can’t bring to me, because if you are concerned about that, then I’m concerned about that to, because I care about you.

Isn’t that a great promise that God gives us? Do you know what that looks like for some of you? Because for some of you there’s some anxiety that has been building up and building up and it’s killing all the joy that’s inside of you, and that’s why for some of you, you’re going to, every morning, on the way to work, or every morning after he leaves for work, or every morning before everyone gets up, you’re going to have to go to God and say,

“God, I so deeply and passionately want X in my marriage, and it causes me all kinds of anxiety and concern and God I want you to empower me to love him or to love her in spite of the fact that this dream isn’t coming true.

I’m not going to wake up, I’m not going to go home and cast my anxiety on my spouse anymore. You told me to cast all my cares and concerns upon you and so I’m bringing all of my anxiety to you and I’m casting it all on you, and I believe that in due time you will raise me up and in the mean time you’ll give me everything that I need in that due time to love him or love her unconditionally despite how they’re treating me.

Now, here’s what you’re going to discover, because some of you could get up right now and you could tell your story and it would put my sermon to shame because your story is so powerful. Here’s what you would say, because I’ve heard it said so many times, “What God did in my life during that due time, what
God did in my life as I learned to cast all my anxieties upon him, what God did in me during that time was so significant that I wouldn’t trade that time for anything

What God did in my life, what God did in my heart, what God did to change me in my life was that God taught me to trust him for the practical things in my marriage, and what I learned is that the grace that God provided, because I sat and listened and the thing that used to bother me about my husband or my wife, it doesn’t bother me anymore. And I realized that I had unloaded that on the shoulders of my capable heavenly Father and his grace and his power and his enduring strength was sufficient for me and Wow, I can’t believe the person that I’m becoming because of who God is creating in me.

God is all about transforming us and helping us become who we were created to be and that begins by starting a new habit for many of us, which is to cast all of our concerns in our marriages and in our lives upon God, by saying out loud in any language you want, and by casting your anxiety upon the shoulders of your heavenly Father. And then you can hold God to this promise, “My grace will be sufficient for you.” He supports and gives grace to the humble and in due time, he will lift you up, because he has concern for you.

Now, that’s the first part of what we’re going to be talking about today. I want to talk about one more thing before we finish this series, because I think this is extremely important. Even with all that we’ve talked about going on. I mean, you’re little I and you’re going along with Big I, and you’re learning how to cast your anxiety upon God, but still, in a healthy marriage you talk about these things right?

I mean, you have conversations, you don’t pretend. “I’m fine, I’m not going to talk about it, we’ll just leave the dead dog lay there.” No, in a healthy relationship people talk. So here’s what I want to do. I want to give you three thoughts to guide your conversation with your spouse concerning these things that we’ve been talking about.

I know that you guys are smart enough to figure these things out, but maybe this will motivate some of you to have this conversation with your spouse. Maybe your spouse isn’t here and so you can say that the preacher gave me home work, so I gotta ask you these questions.

We’ll call this the box talk. Here’s how you talk about what’s in the box. For guys we’ve made it easy, because it has a little acrostic that spells the word “CAR”, because our wives won’t forget, but we might.

The fist word is the word “Confess”. Do you know how you start the box talk conversation? You don’t start it this way. Big I says, “I want to share with you some of the expectations that you’ve had of me. NO, No, no. Little I starts by saying, I want to begin by placing myself under you – my deal under your deal and so I want to confess.

Here are some areas that I’ve realized that I’ve loaded you up with expectations and I’m sorry. And I can’t necessarily say that I won’t ever do that again, because I’m new at this. But I realize that I’ve so filled up this box that no wonder you’ve responded in the way that you have. You begin by simple confessing to your spouse where you’ve allowed desires to transition into expectations.

The second word is the word “Ask”. There are two questions under this word. The first one is:

1. Ask your spouse this question: “Where do you feel pressure to live up to my expectations?” Because maybe I’ve missed some. I want to confess those that I’m aware of, but you may be living under a burden that I’m not even aware of, and you keep a happy smiley face on because you’ve learned to deal with this burden, but I want to know. Where have I piled you up with expectations
2. The second question is, “What can I do to make our marriage richer?” This is a very important question, because this is a secret way of asking “What’s in your box that you want to tell me about?

Now, this is very important. Do not ask your spouse, “Tell me everything that’s in your box”. Because there may be things in your spouse’s wish, dream, and desire box that cannot become a reality no matter what. And to bring those out is not helpful, because you will never be able to meet that wish, dream, or desire and then you will always feel like a failure or inadequate in some sense, because that dream can’t ever come true.

That’s a dream that you constantly, for the rest of your life, you need to cast that anxiety on the shoulders of your heavenly Father, but don’t you ever bring that out and show that to your husband or to your wife.

For example, if I asked my wife, “Shannon I want to know everything in your wish, dream and desire box, because I want to be this little teenie, itsey, bitsey I, so lay ‘em on me baby.”And she said to me, “Well, ever since I was a little girl I wanted to marry a pro football player . . . Well, that’s helpful! !!??? What else do you have in there? You see, if that’s her wish and dream, then I would never be able, no matter how hard I tried, to be able to give her that’s her little girl wish an d dream, the she just needs to share that with her mom. Don’t tell me that, because the rest of my life I’m going to feel like I let her down. I can’t  carry that!

So you ask the question, “What can I do to make our marriage richer?” I’m going to let you chose what you’re going to bring out of here. We live in an imperfect world and how unfair would it be to load your spouse up with those desires. In fact some of the words that you might regret the most were said in the heat of an argument, and you thought you were losing the argument and you reached down into here (Expectation box) and you brought it out and you shook it in their face and you said, “It never has happened and it never will” and Ohhhh you wish you could take that back, because they will always feel that pressure to satisfy a desire that they cannot ever satisfy.

1. Then the last word is the word, “Reward”. You got to learn to reward like you did when you were dating, because what’s rewarded is repeated. Because some times we accidentally do things that dip into this box (desires box) for our spouse and we don’t even know that we’ve done it. And if they don’t reward us, then we’ll never do it again, because we didn’t’ know that we were giving them something really good.

An illustration – you’re up in the morning and you’re doing the whole kid thing and ladies, maybe you’re a stay at home mom and your husband, instead of rushing out the door, gets the kids off to the bus, and sits down and talks to you for 10 minutes. And you’re thinking you’ve died and gone to heaven, thinking OHHHHHH, an adult conversation, Ohhhhhhh, don’t mess this up.

What’s he doing? He’s thinking to himself, “We’ll I’ve learned that if I get into this traffric bubble at 7:40 instead of 7:30, then there’s less cars on the road and I get there at the same time with less headache. For him it’s a traffic deal.

In your mind you’re thinking, “I long for this. I crave this. Awwwwwh, this is awesome.” So you get 10 minutes of great conversation and he gets into the car and says, “I gotta go, see you honey.” And you stand there going, “Thank you Jesus”. And he’s going, “What??? I’m just trying to get in the bubble.” This had nothing to do with my marriage. In fact it really was all about “I”, but he didn’t know, ok?

So here’s the deal. You’ve gotta figure out how to reward that. This is huge. When you think your husband or wife accidentally or intentionally made an attempt at getting in your box and trying to lift one of those wishes, dreams or desires up, you got to reward that to show them how important that is to you, because none of us are that smart. We don’t read minds. Man you’ve never been a woman and women you’ve never been a man, so we’re guessing at a lot of this.

So one  of the best things that you can do when something like that happens is to write a note. I know this is sappy and silly, but it works.

 Dear Honey, this morning you stayed at home an extra 10 minutes and I know that for you it was because of the traffic bubble, but for me, I loved talking to you one on one, and it may never happen again, and I know that you weren’t even thinking about it – because you know, he’s busy and he’s gotta get to work – you’re not going to say, “And from now on, I’m thinking we’ve got 10 minutes ,so sit down. It happens so easy. It moves very quickly into an expectation. I noticed yesterday you weren’t rushing. Why are you rushing today? Why can’t we . . . It’s gone, right. Two big I’s

But here’s what the note said, “That was huge to me!” We’ve got to learn to reinforce behavior that blesses us, because that’s what communicates and that’s what allows us to learn and discover what’s here (wishes, dreams and desires box).

The Bible says that in the very beginning when God put the first man and the first woman together and he said, “I’m going to take the one and put it together with another one and the two will become one flesh.” And do you know what that really was? That was the first us.  The very first “Us” was Adam and Eve. God said I’m going to take two big I’s and I’m going to give them such a unique relationship and they’re going to become an US.

And you have to know that is God’s desire for you and for me in marriage. Not two big “I’s” but an US, and that doesn’t happen until we learn how to transition from here (Expectations) back to here (Wishes, dreams and desires), which means that we love each other unconditionally the way that God loves us, without any expectations because as soon as you add in expectations, it kills unconditional love, but as soon as you move back toward a no expectation kind of marriage and begin to give and receive unconditional love, it creates a wonderful US and with that US it creates wonderful romance and intimacy that every great marriage ought to have.

That happens only as we seek to put God first in our marriage and as we humble ourselves before him and as we humble ourselves before each other, and when we do that, God enters into our relationship and fuels our relationship with gratitude and service and love towards one another.