6-6-10 Marriage: Two Small I’s Plus One Makes Three

Good morning! If this is your first time here, then you’re coming in at the middle, a bit toward the end of the movie, so you don’t know what the plot is and so some of this morning’s message isn’t going to make sense.

So this is the third message in a four part series on marriage, not just everything there is to talk about marriage, because we’ve taken a very thin slice, a simple dynamic in marriage, and have asked a question that maybe you’ve never been asked and hopefully have been getting some answers that have been practical and helpful.

So let’s review for a second, so that we all get started on the same page. We said that we all get married with a box load of wishes, dreams, and desires. Like, I hope that one day we’ll be able to live in a certain kind of house. I hope that we’ll schedule our marriage in such a way that he’ll come home and she’ll come home at a certain time and eat together at a certain time and I hope me husband doesn’t do these things like my dad because they really irritate me, but I hope that she does these things like my mom because those are really great for me, and I hope she never wears anything like that to bed, and we’ll raise our kids like this and not like that. I mean we all have these wishes dreams and desires when we go down the aisle. It’s natural. It’s normal.

But when both man and women walk down the aisle together, they each have a box full of wishes, dreams, and desires and those wishes dreams and desires all revolve around “I”. And what we said is that sometimes we walk into the church and up to the alter with a box full of wishes, dreams, and desires and we walk out with a box of expectations.

There’s a difference between desires and expectations and we don’t know how this happens, but things that are fun to talk about – you know, “One day” or “Some day” move from becoming desires to becoming expectations. And as things move out of the dreams, wishes and desires box to the expectations box the whole dynamic of the relationship changes, because what was fun over here, now seems to be really heavy and no fun over here.

We said that if this has happened to you then your relationship is characterized as a debt debtor relationship. You owe me because, after all, you’re the wife and that’s what wives are supposed to do. And you owe because you, after all, you’re my husband and that’s what husbands are supposed to do. And you promised and I thought and you should, and why don’t you and your relationship devolves from this fun, joyous, romantic marriage into one that is just drudgery where all the fun and all the romance has been sucked out of it.

What happens when we move toward marriage filled with expectations instead of a marriage filled with wishes, dreams and desires is that we move away from a covenant marriage into a contract marriage. A contract marriage is one that says, you owe me and I owe you, and this dynamic destroys the sense of community and intimacy and trust in a marriage. It destroys the fun, the joy, and the romance of your marriage and it becomes shear drudgery to even to be married.

 Sometimes you really know something is wrong because there’s conflict between the two of you, but you can’t really put a finger on what’s wrong – how things got here? Sometimes you agree on a compromise, we talked about that in the first week and that can work a long time, but ultimately that kind of relationship erodes the joy, the fun, and the romance in a marriage as well.

What’s crazy is, this movement away from wishes, dreams and desires toward expectations is the normal progression of marriages in our world and we don’t know why. It just “is” unless you keep your eyes focused on Christ, because Christ has a better way. We said the answer is simple but it’s not easy. Somehow we have to take all of our expectations – everything that we’ve dumped into this box and put it back into the dreams, wishes and desires box. The key and the goal is to empty this (expectation box).

At the end of the first week I sent you home with this question, “what does your spouse owe you?” Because you see, when we move from desires to expectations, there’s a debt debtor relationship, so we asked the question, “What does your spouse owe you?”

So we spent some time in the scriptures last week and we found that in order to move away from a big capital I marriage, you’ve got to come to a place where you determine that your spouse doesn’t owe you anything. Yeah they promised you some things but they don’t owe you anything. You talked about some dreams, wishes and desires, but they don’t owe you anything.

We said that if you can take all of your dreams, wishes, and desires and put them back in this box the dynamic in your marriage changes. You have two small I’s and it puts all the romance, fun, and intimacy back into your marriage.

We said the reason this works is because in the Christian marriage it’s not just you and your spouse and your two small I’s, because in a Christian marriage there’s a third party. In a Christian marriage I learn to love my wife in a way that reflects God’s love for me. Remember that? And she learns to love me, not as a reflection of my love for her, but as a reflection of God’s love for her. And this completely changes the dynamic.

We came to this conclusion. Just as I am in a debt free relationship with my Heavenly Father. He’s told me, Adam, you don’t owe me anything. I’ve forgiven all your sins. I’ve cancelled all your debt, now I want you to do that same thing with your spouse. I want you to live in such a way that there is no debt between you. No debt, no obligation, no expectations, only love.

And when two people get a hold of this principle, the dynamic in their relationship changes dramatically!

Now, I want to touch on one idea today that really  has two parts. The first part we’ll talk about today and the second part we’ll talk about next week. The question that I want to answer this morning is, “What do we do with all this stuff over here in the box?” We need to talk about that. And then number two. How do you talk about this in a marriage? Because the answer isn’t to say “I don’t have any expectations. I’m just going to let you do whatever you want to do and I’ll be over here hoping some day that you’ll come back over here and get interested in my box. It’s not quite that simple. You have to talk about these things.

I’d like you to open you Bible if you  have one to 1 Peter and I want to answer the question “What do you do with the stuff in the box?”

This is so powerful and it’s amazing at how practical the Bible is. The Bible is not irrelevant literature. It’s truth to live our lives by. Now if you haven’t bought into this personal relationship with Christ, thing then this is going to sound really strange to you, but that’s ok. The Bible answers the question, “As a married person, what am I supposed to do with all the anxiety I experience, because I have wishes, dreams, and desires and they aren’t coming true. I have a vision and a dream of what my marriage should look like and it’s not coming true.

I’ve decided that my spouse doesn’t owe me anything and I’m going to focus on loving them, but they’re not tuned into my wish and desire box and I’ve got some anxiety with that, what do I do with it? The Bible answers that question in a compelling way and I have seen men and women apply this principle, sometimes over the course of years in a marriage, and they have seen God do some amazing, amazing things because of this principle.

Here’s what you shouldn’t do with the anxiety that you get from taking all your hopes dreams and desires out of this box and putting it into this box. What you shouldn’t do is just ignore your hopes, dreams, and desires. That’s not healthy. The other thing that’s not healthy is if you just stay busy trying to forget that you have wishes, hopes, and desires. That’s not healthy either. Just play more golf or work  more, or going out getting tanked because you’re drinking to forget what you don’t want to forget. Those aren’t healthy ways to deal with your unmet hopes, dreams, and desires.

So let’s turn to what God has to say. We’re going to read three verses and the first two build to the point in the last verse so hang with me as we work through these verses. We’ll talk about what you do with what’s in this box (desire) once you’ve decided that your spouse doesn’t owe you anything.

1 Peter 5.  Peter, in this group of verses is talking about relationships and we’re starting really, mid sentence in this conversation about relationships. He says:

Young men, he’s going to work his way to us in just a minute, in the same way, again we’re catching this mid-sentence. Young men in the same way be submissive to those who are older. Ok, gottcha. Remember last week, we were told by Paul that we all ought to submit one to another – that wives ought to submit to their husbands, but that husbands ought to also sumitt to their wives out of reverence for Christ.

All of you, so he’s working his way to the rest of us,  All of you, this is powerful, All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another.

Now, let me tell you about Biblical humility because this is very important. Biblical humility is not, since you’re my boss, I must therefore be humble, since you’re the rich guy and I’m not the rich guy, so therefore I must be humble. Biblical humility is not about responding to someone because of their rank, or their wealth, or their position.

Biblical humility is a decision that I’m going to choose, not because of who you are and who I’m not, but rather, biblical humility is a decision that I make to put your deal ahead of my deal. It’s about putting your interests ahead of my interests. I have a box load of desires and you have a box load of desires and I’m going to put your box full of desires ahead of mine.

Biblical humility is a decision that if there is a conflict between what you want and what I want, then I’m going to put what you want ahead of what I want.  Peter says look, when we’re around other people we need to clothe ourselves with humility, we need to cover ourselves with humility, there needs to be a blanket policy when it comes to Christians and humility and we need to completely cover or clothe ourselves with humility.

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another and then, this is amazing, because, here’s the answer, because God opposes or resists the proud.

Because if I say, when you’re deal conflicts with my deal, it’s all about me. And God says, ok there Mr Big I, you’re on your own. Because anybody who decides to put themselves first at the expense of another person, God according to Peter says, “Have a nice day, do the best you can, but you’re on your own. God opposes or works against the proud.

God works against the capital I marriage. He says, “If that’s what you want, go ahead, but you have to know that I’m working against that kind of marriage, because I didn’t make you for that. I made your for something better.

Listen to what he says next. God opposes the proud, and here’s the most incredible promise and good news, but  he gives grace to the humble.

Now, let me tell you what grace is in this context. Grace is not a Beanny Baby named Grace. And this isn’t grace in the sense of salvation grace. This is a different kind of grace. This is so powerful. Grace in this context means that God gives you the power to help you do what you need to do for the moment. God gives the Holy Spirit, his power to do what we need to do in order to love each other like he calls us to love.

When you place your wishes, dreams, and desires under your spouse’s wishes, dreams, and desires, you put yourself in the stream of God’s divine power, and he enables or provides the strength for you to live in this sacrificial way.

God says, “When you choose to put your spouse’s deal ahead of your deal, I’m going to get involved in helping you make that work. My grace, my provision, my help is going to be there in order for you to love unconditionally, because that’s how I created you to live.

Think of grace being like a river. When you decide to put your husband or your wife’s wishes, dreams, and desires ahead of your wishes, dreams, and desires, it’s as though you just walked into the middle of God’s supernatural river and you’re being flooded with God’s grace, mercy and power, and he’s going to provide for you all the help that you’ll need in order to love unconditionally. Will it be easy? No, but it’ll be good.

When you chose to put your hopes, dreams and desires ahead of your spouses, it’s like you’ve waded completely out of the steam of God’s grace, mercy and power and rather than the sun that just beats on you and dries out whatever goodness you had going once upon a time, and your marriage begins to wither and die.

God says, when you decide to put your husband or your wife’s wishes, dreams, and desires ahead of my own, God comes right alongside you to enable you to do what you need to do when you need to do it.

Now, I have to caution you. This doesn’t work unless you truly love God and are thankful to God in Big ways and want to truly follow his will for your life. This will not work if you’re just trying to use one of God’s principles apart from God. God is not a cosmic vending machine. Our relationship with him must be built upon unconditional love – that means that we love him apart from conditions or expectations. That’s not how God works!

Second, this will not work unless you truly love your husband or truly love your wife to the point where you will do anything to make it work. This is an all or nothing deal. Jesus said, in order to be worthy of me, you have to be willing to lay down your life for me.

And here’s the crazy part about God. As soon as you say, “God I love you and I am so grateful to you for loving and for paying the penalty of my sins and the way you’ve been working in my life, I will follow you anywhere even to the point of laying down my life for you. God says, “Great, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go and serve your husband or serve your wife in the same way that I have served you. I want you to love them in the same way that I have loved you. I want you to sacrifice your life for those around you in such a way that it reflects my sacrifice for the whole world.

Friends, here is the crazy part of what I’ve been teaching for the past three weeks. You all thought that I have been teaching on marriage and in a very focused way I have, but here’s the deal. The reason that I and the Bible uses marriage to teach these principles is because it is the closest relationship that you will ever have. You hopefully spend more time and more energy in a relationship with your spouse than any other relationship, and therefore there’s not a better place to practice this idea that Jesus calls us to then in the marriage.

But here’s the deal. The dynamic is the same in every single relationship that we have. God opposes every other kind of relationship. God works against every other kind of relationship except for sacrificial relationships where we are willing to put other people’s deal ahead of our deal. Where we are willing to put other people’s wishes, dreams, and desires ahead of our hopes wishes and desires, God shows up and empowers us to do so.

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. This is true in marriage, but it is also true in every other relationship that we have. When you and I are willing to put other people first, that’s humility, their deal before my deal, I want to look out for you before I look out for me, in whatever relationship I’m in. Works in marriage, but it also works in every other relationship.

God gives grace to the humble. That’s why in a Big I marriage a person wears themselves out saying, “I have done everything I can do to fix this marriage.” And God says, “And it’s not enough is it? You see, you’re trying to do it on your own with your own principles and I can’t get involved in that because then I would be enabling you to live in a way that will never bless you or your spouse. But I’ll tell you what, I can give you the ability to do what you need to do in your marriage, but I can’t give it to you as long as you’re a big ole capital I. But if you humble yourself, I’ll role up my sleeves and get to work, because I love to give grace to the humble.

Here’s what Peter says next, Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand. Here it goes again. Here’s another big promise. What this means is that I want you to do what I’m telling you to do. I want you to humble yourselves before the people that you’re around, because when you place yourselves under them, then you are placing yourself under God mighty hand. By obeying God, you’re placing yourself under his authority.

This phrase, “Humble yourselves” has huge implications because of the Old Testament. In the Old Testament when God told the people of Israel to humble themselves, what he always meant was for those people to declare their dependence on him. And what that means is that if the wishes dreams, and desires of those people conflicted with God’s, then they were called by God to humble themselves and to say, if there’s a conflict between your ways, God, and our ways, we want to put your wishes, dreams, and desires a head of ours.

It would be like me saying, “Ok, God, I finally get it. You’re God and I’m not. So when it comes to a place where my deal and your deal conflict, I want to put your deal first.” That’s what worship is! Every week we come in here and seek to say to God in a whole bunch of different ways, “God, today I am once again acknowledging that I want to put your deal ahead of my deal.” Jesus taught us to pray in the Lord’s prayer, “Your kingdom come and your will be done” not mine.

This is what God is saying for us to do for one another. That’s what it means for us to humble ourselves before God’s mighty hand. It means that whatever you say, I’m going to say yes, because I’m not God, I’m not the Big I anymore. I’m living my married life in the shadow of a cross and I’m not big I anymore; I’m not playing the role of god anymore, because that didn’t work out very well. I want God to play God and I’ll humble myself before him.

Big I says, I’m god and I’m going to oppose God and his plan and God says, “Go right ahead, but you’re going to have to do that on your own, because I oppose the proud. But little I says, God I don’t want to play God anymore. I want you to be God and I’m very happy to serve you, because you created marriage and you know exactly how it should work.

I’m declaring today, I need you. I can’t fix my marriage and I can’t make my marriage work. I can’t make my wife or my husband want to get involved in wanting to meet my wishes, dreams, and desires. I can’t, I can’t I can’t. God if you don’t show up my marriage . . . (head shaking negatively), there just is no other way. Teach us how to live in your grace and to humble ourselves in a way that lifts up our spouse and most importantly, in a way that lift you up Lord.