8-16-09 Series: You don’t have what it takes; #2 Can’t please ‘Em All!
You Don’t Have What It Takes Week #2
Big Idea: When we love what others think, more than we love God, no blesing flows. When we seek to please others more than we seek to please God, it is sin. Being a people pleaser is a form of idolitry that robs us of the blessing that God created us for.
[Backstage] – Ok, Adam, it’s almost game time. Get your game face on. You’ve got a tough job ahead of you, because these folks are hard to please. But, you’ve gotta deliver. You’ve got to do a good job so they’ll come back. That’s what you do. You’ve got to make them happy. This last week, some of them weren’t happy. Can’t let that happen again. Get focused. You got to do good so they’ll come back. Do a good enough job and they’ll like you. If they like you, they’ll come back. Come on, Adam. You can do it. Don’t be too serious, because they like funny. Sometimes you get too serious and they don’t like too serious.
Okay. Here we go. They’re hard to please, but you can do it. You can do it. You can please them all. You can do it. Just, concentrate, focus, get ready, (big breath exhaled) Adam, you can do it. Ready? Clear the mechanism. Focus! Okay, let’s play ball. Okay? Here we go. It’s what you do. It’s your job. Five, four, set them straight, smile.
[Onstage] Becoming obsessed with what people think about you is the fastest way to forget what God thinks about you. We are in the second week of our series called “You Don’t Have What It Takes”. And today, we are going to deal with the truth that most of us know intellectually, but few of us live out practically, and that is the truth that no matter how hard we try, we can never, ever please everyone. Now, I just want to say for the record, the thoughts that you heard were not going through my mind. Those are not the real thoughts that go through my mind anymore. All of that was made up.
They really do go through my mind from time to time, because I’m a regular person and in reality, I like for people to like me, and the pressure I feel, real or imagined … you know, if I do a good job, you’ll come back, and if I don’t, you, won’t, and so there’s this real unhealthy temptation to surrender my life, really, to the opinions of others. Now, you’re probably like me and you know the truth that you can’t please everyone, but it’s weird how our spiritual enemy can go in and manipulate or massage that truth in such a way that it actually hurts us.
So, you may say, “Well, I can’t please everyone, so I better work really hard to please as many people as I can.” Or, for you, it might be, “Well, I know I can’t please everyone, so there are these certain people that I’ve got to devote my entire life to pleasing them, because if they’re not happy, then I’m a total failure.”
The truth is that you are not designed to please all people, so could you say this aloud? Say, “I can’t please everyone … “I can’t please everyone”. Okay, if more of you do that, you’ll please me. Okay? Let’s, let’s try that again. I can’t please everyone … “I can’t please everyone” … but I can please God … “but I can please God”.
We’re going to talk today about not living for the approval of people; but instead, living for the approval of our God.
Let’s start today with a story about the apostle Paul as he went into Galatia to kind of straighten out a mess. What he realized is, people didn’t know what it took to be right with God. They were confused. Some people said, “Well, to be right with God, to be saved, you have to be circumcised.” Others said, “No, you have to obey the whole law.” Some said, “No, you have to do both,” and some said, “You have to do neither.” So Paul came in to straighten out this mess, and what he was going to do was tell them the truth that the only way you are made right with God is by faith in Jesus, and faith in Jesus alone. So he came in with this very bold and controversial message, and as soon as he started preaching it, he realized there was a big group of people that were getting angry at him, and he watched his approval rating plummet overnight.
And because it was an election year when they were voting on apostles, he recognized, “If I don’t please everyone, I won’t get voted back,” so he changed his message for one group, softened it for another, and did whatever he could to please all the people. Not. That’s not what he did.
But that’s what we do a lot of times, trying to please everyone. Paul preached boldly, “You must receive Jesus, and Jesus alone,” and there were a lot of people who didn’t like his message. And that’s why he made this very bold statement, which I love, in Galatians 1:10, and he said this,
Am I now trying to win the approval of people, or of God? . . . If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 (NIV)
I hope this will be true for all of us as well. Paul said, “I’m not trying to be a, a people pleaser.” He said, “No, who am I trying to please?” He said, “I am trying to please God.” Now, check this out. “If I were still trying to please people,” Then he says something that’s really important. He says: “I would not be Christ’s servant. If I am always trying to please people, then it will take my eyes off pleasing Christ.”
Becoming obsessed with what people think is the fastest way to forget about what God thinks. Are you a people pleaser? Are you driven, like I have been in too many seasons of my life, by what people think?
To help understand what it means to be a people pleaser, I’ll give you four characteristics. If you are taking notes, the first one is this.
1. People pleasers tend to take most criticism personally. Someone criticizes you, and you are devastated by it. “Oh, that . . . hurts,” and for me it’s been true for years. You know, I could have ten people say, “Adam that was a great sermon,” but one person says, “I didn’t like such and such.” I would feel really low, because I tend to take criticism too personally.
2. Another characteristic of people pleasers is that we feel an extraordinary fear of rejection. “Please don’t reject me. Please like me. I’ll do whatever it takes so that you don’t reject me.” How many of you would say, in a moment of honesty, that’s true for you? A ton of us.
3. A third characteristic of people pleasers is, they find it hard to express their true feelings. I’d like to tell you what I think, but I’m afraid I might hurt your feelings, or you may not like me, so I’m not going to say anything.” How many of you would say, “Yeah, I have a hard time expressing my true feelings?” Now, there’s a lot more of you, but you are not going to raise your hand, because you’re afraid to express [laugh] your true feelings. Right?
4. There’s a fourth characteristic of people pleasers. These would be the people that have a hard time saying no. You tend to over commit, and if you are like me, you can be very agreeable on the outside, but very resentful on the inside. “Adam, can you come and help do this?” “Ah, sure I can. But inside I might be fuming. You’re outwardly agreeable, but inwardly resentful. Just raise your hand right now. Raise, if that’s you.
Harriett Breaker wrote a book called, “The Disease To Please”. That phrase caught me. It’s a disease to please, and in it, she said that people pleasers are addicts. They are addicted. Just as a drug addict seeks drugs, people pleasers seek approval. The disease to please, a very dangerous disease, because when we become obsessed with what people think about us, it’s the fastest way to forget what God thinks about us, so the question is what are we going to do?
Today, I’d like to look at two big facts about people pleasers, and I pray that the truth of God would set us free from living for the applause of people; and instead, we would live for the applause of God.
Fact number one, if you are taking notes, very important, number one, people pleasing is a form of idolatry. A very harsh statement – very, very true. God says, “You shall have no other gods before me,” but when we surrender our lives to the opinion of people instead of the opinion of God, we are elevating people into the rightful spot of God. “I care more about what you think than what God thinks,” idolatry. In fact, I would consider people pleasing more of a spiritual problem than a relational problem. It’s idolatry.
In fact, you see a great example in the New Testament where some of the Jewish leaders were believers in Christ, but they wouldn’t go public with their faith, much like some of you, perhaps. You are believers, but you don’t go public with your faith because you might be criticized or you might be rejected and so you keep it quiet.
Here is the reason they didn’t go public. John 12:42-43 says,
Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in Jesus. But because of the Pharisees, they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved praise from people more than praise from God. John 12:42-43 (NIV)
That’s Idolatry. We find our meaning and significance from people more than from God. In fact, Scripture says,
Fear of people will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. Proverbs 29:25
Fear of people, fear of what they’re going to think, Fear of what they are going to do, Fear of what they are going to say, Fear of what people are going to think, proves to be a snare or trap.
I’m taken captive by what I think people will say, or people will do. “Hey, will you do this for me?” “Sure,” and all of a sudden, you’re going down a path that leads somewhere that won’t lead toward blessing in your life. “Hey, can you …” “Yeah.” “Will, will you compromise your values for me?” “Uh, yeah.
I buy something I don’t need with money I don’t have to impress people I don’t even like. Why? Because I got this hook in my nose. I’m being dragged around by what you think. It is a trap that will weigh you down your entire life if you let it, but Jesus came to set us free from such traps.
There are three specific traps that our enemy lures us into. The first one, is what I call the “I’ll compromise for you” trap. I don’t know how many bazillion times you’ve got a boy and a girl dating. Maybe the boy’s putting the moves on, some pressure on, and the girl thinks to herself, “I really want to save myself, because I believe that’s the right thing to do. But, I don’t want to let him down, and I want him to know that I love him,” and so she gives in. Or, the girl is pressuring the guy, and the guys like, “I don’t want my friends to think I’m a dud, you know, so I need to be a man,” and they compromise. It’s the “I’ll compromise for you trap”.
Maybe it’s, it’s the way you spend your money, and it’s sad. So many people will go in debt, and they’re dying and drowning financially. Why? “So that you can think I dress nice. My house is nice. My car is nice. My vacations are right. We have the right kind of look. My kids are in the right kind of schools.” Why? Because we feel this pressure to live up to everyone else’s expectations. It’s the “I’ll compromise for you trap.”
Maybe you’re not doing so well at your job and you’ve got to get the deal done, and so you kind of lie just a little bit. You massage the numbers so you can close the deal so the boss will like you, and what you’ve just done is, you’ve compromised because fear of another human being and our compromise has just become a snare or a trap. We compromise because we care more about what others think than what God thinks.
A second trap is the “I will over commit” trap. I care so much about what you think, that I am going to do more than what I should, so you will think highly of me.” “Can you do this?” “Well, yes.” “Can you do this?” “Yes.” In fact, we are going to talk in detail about this next week, because I would argue that the pressure normal society puts on us to live up to everyone else’s expectations has become insane. Insane. We have become over committed and over stretched, so much so that most people have very little time for God, much less their family, because they’re living to everyone else’s expectations. We have to do what everyone expects so we don’t let anyone down. Right? No! It’s the “I will over commit trap.”
There’s a third one. I call it the “I will let you limit my success trap.” Some of you feel called by God to be a leader. You have a vision inside of you to have a big business one day. Or you’ve got a vision for a ministry, and let me just say, the more you do and the higher God causes you to rise, the more you will hear people telling you they don’t like what you’re doing. And a lot of times, people will stop doing the right thing because of the opinions of others. The more successful you become, the more people are going to throw stones, the more people are not going to like what you’re doing. They are going to misunderstand you. They are going to criticize you, and you just have to understand that’s part of the territory, and you have to love the approval of God and the vision of God more that you love the opinions of people, because if you let the opinions of people drive you, it will put a ceiling on your success and you will no longer rise, because you are going to succumb to what other people say or think you should do. It’s a very, very common trap.
Here’s the problem with these kind of traps. When we become ensnared by these traps, God is too small and people are too big in our life. When we seek to please people more than God, people become our god. Whatever we center our life around; whatever we focus our life on, it becomes our god. If we seek to please people they become our God. They are what is controlling our your life and mine. If our lives are being controlled by other people, then God is really small. If I’m a people pleaser, then people are too big in my life and God is too small
Jesus called people with these words, “Follow me,” which means that we cannot follow others.
The only way you can be totally changed is to stop caring what everybody else thinks. Be who God created you to be. You don’t have to dress like them. You don’t have to talk like them. You don’t have to live like them. Do not be conformed to their will, but be transformed by God’s will.
The greatest commandment in all the Bible is to
Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength –
That means that we are called to:
- Listen to God more than we listen to other people
- Fear what God thinks or what God will say, or what God will do, more than we think about what others will think, say, or do.
- Focus on pleasing God more than we focus on pleasing people
- Love God more than we love people. That’s why loving God is first, loving other people is second.
Here’s what I want you to take home. If you missed everything else, get this:
God loves us unconditionally; we are called to love the same. If we are seeking to please others so they will love us, that is selfishness. We need to seek God above all else and he will fill us full of love so that we can give love away, instead of trying to please others, so that they love us. Love is not a selfish thing. Love is not something that can be earned. Love is given. When we give our love to God, he gives us the ability to love others unconditionally, despite their performance. That’s the kingdom of God. Pleasing people is not a bad thing if it flows out of love. Love needs to be given to be love at all.
I was once told by a wise person that you should never allow someone to borrow anything from you unless you don’t expect it to return. Give it away in love. God’s love never expects anything in return. When we love someone else, we should never expect anything in return, otherwise it’s not unconditional love. If the tool or the book comes back to you after someone has borrowed it, count it a blessing. If love comes back to you after you have given it to someone, count it a blessing.
Pleasing someone should never be done to somehow gain their approval or love, but instead, pleasing someone should always be a selfless act that never expects anything in return.
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