What Makes a Marriage Last – Part 2

I want to take a few moments this morning and celebrate what kind of church we are. One of the things that the leaders of NC2 decided up front was that we would not be a church that had to become someone else when we gather together. We decided that we didn’t want to get all dressed up if we didn’t really like getting dressed up. We didn’t think there was anything wrong with getting dressed up, but when you get dressed up because that’s what’s expected – that’s kind of wrong.

Jesus didn’t wear a suit and tie – Jesus wasn’t concerned about what people wore, so we didn’t want to do that either. Jesus was concerned with what was going on in the inside – in people’s hearts, not what was going on on the outside. When we get together, we decided that we wanted people to be real, not pretend. We did not want people to have to pretend to be someone else when they came to worship. That’s a problem among some churches.

We wanted to create a church culture where people could be real. Where people could not pretend that their relationship and marriages were good when they weren’t and where people would not be judged and instead, create a place where people would learn how to journey together toward healing and toward who God created them to be.

So we’re in the second part of this two part series called “What makes a marriage last?”, and here’s the thing. Nobody in the leadership of New Community wants you to pretend about how your marriage is going. If your marriage isn’t going well, then you’re with the majority of the people in the U.S. You’re not alone. Anyone . . . “Is marriage easy”??? We don’t want you to fake it here. We want to help each other here. There is no judgment in this place, only the love and grace of God.

So we’re talking about marriage and we’re practicing on how to be real, and last week we talked about Big exits and small exits in our relationships and specifically in our marriages. Big exits are divorce and murder and we said that God hates divorce, but the ones who hate divorce just as much as God is divorced people, because they’ve experienced the unbelievable pain that it brings. God hates divorce and divorced people hate divorce, and this church hates divorce, but let me make something very clear.

We love people who are divorced. We are all sinners. We are all saved by God’s grace and there is no judgment in this place – consider yourselves accepted and welcomed. Ok? And so whether you are divorced and single or single with the intention of getting married some day, or just single, we love you and we hope that this message will help you with your current and future relationships, because most of what we will be talking about here applies to all close relationships.

Last week we started with God’s idea of what marriage is:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

God’s idea for marriage is oneness, where the two become one, not just in sex, but in knowing one another and not just knowing each other with our minds, but knowing each other with our hearts. We are one at the heart level, at the mind level, and at the soul level. Does that ring a bell with anyone? Great commandment. Oneness is God’s signature. Oneness is what God created us for. Oneness is what God calls us to.

We talked last week about the first small exit in marriage, which was . . . anyone remember? Differences.

Differences are the thing that can divide us or they can be the thing that teaches us how to really love. A copy of that message is on the table out in the entry area – you can pick that up for free. Also, if you prefer, it is on our website under sermons and you can print it off and read it and think about it if you’d like

So the first threat to oneness is the differences between us. The second threat to oneness is withdrawal – the practice of withdrawal. Withdrawal is one of my favorite exits because you can do it and still look spiritual at the same time. When I withdraw, I don’t say nasty words; I don’t make an obvious attack. I just fly under the radar screen.

I’ll give you a picture of what withdrawal can look like. When our kids were real small, one time we had been planning on going out one evening, but we needed a babysitter because of our kids’ ages. So I asked Shannon, “Did you get a babysitter for tonight?”

Now we had never talked ahead of time about who was supposed to get the babysitter. I was just assuming that it was her job as the wife to get the babysitter. So I said, “Did you get a babysitter?” And she said, “No.” And I was real disappointed by that. Now I’m not going to yell and scream at something like that. That’s just not my style, so, I just withdrew a little bit.

I paid a little more attention to the kids. I got a little more excited about their being there and connected with them a little more, connected with Shannon a little bit less. I looked at them and kind of avoided looking at her. I talked to them and didn’t say much to her. I didn’t touch her or relate to her in ways that I normally would. And after you’ve been married long enough, you can gauge this kind of thing with such exquisite precision. You can can’t you?

I withdrew enough so that I knew that she would know that something was wrong, but it was subtle enough that if she had said to me, “Is something wrong?” I could say, “No, why? Is something wrong with you?”

Now you laugh at this, but every one of us understands how the mechanism of withdrawal works in relationship. And it sounds like such a tiny event, but you multiply that a few thousand times, day after day, week after week, year after year, and you end up one day with two strangers living under the same roof who have slowly withdrawn from each other, and they don’t even know how they got that way. They just mastered the art of withdrawal.

There was a character in one of Jesus’ most famous stories who I think was a master of the art of withdrawal. Some of you may know the story about the Prodigal Son who leaves home, leaves his dad? There were two characters in that story who really wished the Prodigal Son had never come home. One of them was the fatted calf – he had the

original mad cow disease. The other one was the elder brother.

Jesus’ understanding of human nature is so profoundly deep. Jesus says of the older brother, “He was angry.” He didn’t get into a fight. Didn’t get violent. Didn’t start yelling and throwing stuff or kicking things. He was angry, and he wouldn’t go in. He just withdrew. He just refused to be part of the party. And his father came out and pleaded with him, which is what withdrawers always want – somebody to beg them. And the son says, “No, you go ahead. Have the party. I’m fine. I’ll just keep working out here. It’s all I ever do anyhow, not that anybody notices. You go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

And that little phrase right there, “I’m fine,” that’s the dead giveaway, isn’t it? Anybody here realize that if you ask your husband or wife if they’re ok and they say, “I’m Fine”, that you might want to question whether or not that’s actually true? – especially when there is that kind of singsong response to it. “I’m fine. That kind of thing could be a tip off.

There are a lot of ways to take the exit of withdrawal: watch TV every night to avoid intimacy, retreat into romance novels or the computer, immerse yourself in a hobby or career, learn how to use silence or body language to inflict pain. You can inflict so much pain when you use the weapon of withdrawal. Withdrawal is the opposite of love. It erodes oneness.

Know this: withdrawal is not something that God ever intended for marriage. Withdrawal is not a tool that brings up there down here. Withdrawal does not bring heaven to earth. Withdrawal bring hell to earth. Withdrawal breaks the two greatest commands at once. When I withdraw from my spouse or other people, I’m not loving God. Withdrawal s not God’s will. It is contrary to it. Withdrawal also breaks the second great command, which is to “love our neighbor”, the person that we find ourselves next to. Withdrawal doesn’t show love to our spouse or anyone else. Withdrawal is a little exit, because it erodes oneness.

Not long ago, I was talking to a guy that I know. He is in a turbulent marriage, and he said the most painful moments to him were not loud arguments or the big fights, although they have some of those – it’s when at night he reaches over to touch his wife and she jerks her body away. Not even a sexual touch, just reaches over to grasp her hand, and the withdrawal reflexes are so strong. Withdrawal hurts deeply.

James 4:17 says this:

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.

That’s a great statement for any of us who wrestle with withdrawal to memorize. There have been eras where I have hurt my wife with this. But it is possible with God’s help to change. There is a lot that I used to struggle with and I still struggle with. This is one area where I really am a different person than I was ten years ago. And maybe for some of you, God’s calling you to say, “I’m not going to withdraw anymore. I will engage. I will talk even when it’s awkward or hard.

The third small exit is expectations. We all have expectations about almost everything. You walk into a restaurant; you expect there will be food and plates there. You walk into an auto supply, and you don’t expect to find sporting goods. When our expectations are met, we just don’t think about them. When they are exceeded, we are thrilled. It’s when our expectations are not met that it causes this imbalance in us, and sometimes it’s very subconscious.

We often times don’t realize that we have an expectation and that it didn’t get met. But one of the symptoms is you find yourself living with anything from temporary disappointment, dissatisfaction, and depression to chronic disappointment, dissatisfaction, and depression. I might find myself thinking bad thoughts about my wife.

Some of you might find yourself talking bad about your spouse to other people. Disappointment is a sign to you that expectations aren’t being met. And this is where the hard work comes in figuring it out, “What are my expectations? Are my expectations unrealistic? Or have I been giving up all my expectations just to keep the peace? How do I navigate what I need and what it is that my spouse needs?”

My mom is one of the most wonderful people in the whole world, but she has baggage. Her biggest baggage is the baggage of perfectionism. Her house is spotless. There is rarely anything out of place. In fact, one of the things that used to upset me was when I would walk into the house, take my shoes off at the door, go to my room spend a couple of minutes doing something in my room, and I would come back, literally, moments later and my shoes would be gone.

My mom would put my shoes in the shoe closet while I was gone – not just once, but always. . . . And some of you wonder why I’m so anal. The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. But when I got married, I had certain expectations about how to keep a house and my new wife wasn’t meeting those expectations and there was some friction there, some discussion, but through that discussion, I realized that my wife was not my mother – thank God! We had to talk through those differences and I was the one who needed to change some of my expectations

I did some premarital counseling just a few weeks before the couple was going to get married. I asked a question about sex when they got married and what frequency they were thinking about when they got married. The woman was kind of embarrassed when I asked her and she said, “Well, I guess I was thinking a couple of times a week.”

There was this terrible look of disappointment on her finance’s face when she said that, and so I turned to him and said, It looks like you had some different expectations? And he said, “I was thinking a couple of times a day.” A big gap in expectations doesn’t make someone right or wrong necessarily. It just means that there is a lot of navigation that has to go on and compromise and talking.

A couple had dated for a very long time. He was a terrific guy. She was dragging her feet. She had been married before, and so I asked her, “You guys have spent a couple of years dating. You know him well. What is the hesitation?” And she said, “You know, I was married once before, and it was so painful to go through the divorce, I’m determined not to do that again. So I want to know everything before we get married so that after we get married there will be no surprises.”

I wanted to say to her if you don’t want any surprises, get a Guinea Pig. In marriage, there are going to be surprises on a daily basis. And you are going to be disappointed, and I think that’s good because I don’t think you could love somebody fully until they have disappointed you and you keep loving them because love happens in reality, not in fantasy.

The realization that you are married to a broken person and that you are a broken person is the beginning of love. It is the beginning of a relationship. Marriage was never intended to be the place where someone gets all of their needs met. When I begin to expect to get all my needs and wants met by my spouse, it will be the death of my marriage. I need to stop looking for the spouse that I want and start loving the spouse that I have to give my marriage a chance to be great.

All of you that are married, “Say out loud, ‘I am not married to a perfect spouse.’” That leaves you feeling good for a moment until you look next to you and see your spouse saying the same words. Every time that I have sensed that Shannon has disappointed me, I have had to live in the reality that she has had that same experience from me. And it is humbling.

Another good thing this week is to sit down with your spouse, maybe a date night, and write down some expectations you had for your marriage that have been wildly exceeded, and what are some expectations that you are still living with that you feel haven’t been met. And talk about those. Instead of allowing your expectations to be an exit to your marriage, allow them to be a point of connection.

The fourth barrier to oneness – this is kind of an odd one because it seems so trivial, but I know for Shannon and I in our marriage this is number one right now. The fourth barrier to oneness and maybe the biggest one for some of you is the sheer pace of life.

You would love to be intimate, would love to experience closeness and delight, but you just don’t have enough time. I would say more about it, but we don’t have enough time.

Some of us are amazingly intentional about other areas of our lives, but we are not very intentional about our marriage. We have a vision statement for New Community, so that we are reminded from week to week where we are going – so that we don’t wander aimlessly around. It’s easy to do that.

What happens when someone is lost in the woods without a compass? They wonder around in circles. The same is true with life and marriage. If we don’t have a direction, a vision of what our marriage could be, maybe should be and work at that every day, then we won’t ever get there. Maybe you can relate to this. If I don’t intentionally plan some time for the two of us to connect, we don’t. Life just sort of fills in the cracks of time in our world and there just isn’t enough time. We have to be intentional.

This week I’d like spouses to write down what a perfect marriage looks like and then get together and talk about how you are going to accomplish that. You will not know all the hurdles and all the road block that you will need to overcome, but commit to that vision of life and be willing to do anything, will you say that with me, “Anything” to accomplish that vision. Everyone benefits from a great marriage.

A vision is a picture of what your marriage would look like if it was in heaven. Agree on a vision and then take some active obtainable steps to move toward having your marriage look like your vision.

Having been married to Shannon for twenty years, and going through seasons that were really hard and seasons that were wonderful, and being committed to having hard conversations again and again and again, so that we wouldn’t be compelled to take little exits have helped move us towards oneness, and that has helped me to experience and understand what it means to love God and be one with him. A vision for marriage transforms us on many levels – Physical, emotional, and spiritual.

It draws us closer to each other, and it draws us closer to God. It brings up there down here. It’s practicing for eternity.